Never Did I Imagine…

There would ever come a time that I would be living my life without my daughter.

In 1976, after praying nearly every waking moment that God would send me a little girl, did I ever think that there would come a day that she would choose to cut me out of her life…but that is was has happened.

The last time I wrote about the situation with my daughter, the comments came rushing in. Mostly from mothers who had been estranged from their daughters for years, one even said it had been 27 years since their child spoke to them.

How do we justify our choices to allow this to happen? No, I was not perfect and still have a long way to being perfect but as I read these stories from other woman, many of them similar to mine, an argument that got a bit out of hand but to hold a grudge against the woman who gave birth to you is just…well…unsettling.

Unfortunately, I have to admit, I also was a daughter who did not speak to her mother for many years. Do you see the irony of it all and life coming full circle? Oh, I had my reasons and of course they were “Good” reasons, so I thought. When I knew better, I most certainly did better and thank goodness I was able to reconcile with her before she passed away or I would be regretting it so very much. I do regret missing out on all those years of knowledge that she could have shared with me, if only I allowed her into my life but that is time that can never be given back to me or to her, just as this time my daughter and I are losing.

I pray that it doesn’t come full circle back to her. She now says it will never happen, that her son loves her and he would never do that to her, I thought the same exact thing about her. Because we had such a strong connection with our grandson and the only reason we are unable to see him now is because of the choices she continues to make, this may all come back to haunt her someday. To carry on with this drama as if we are these wicked people that did an inconceivable act it just preposterous. We made a mistake and said some things to one another out of anger and have since tried to apologize and this entire incident needs to be put in it’s rightful place.

What do you do when you have done it all? I have apologized…I have given her time…I have loved her…I have prayed. Now I must let go and allow her to find her own way and hopefully it will lead her back to me one day before it’s too late.