Still Missing Austin

In February and March there are birthdays of loved ones no longer with us and days that those loved ones left us, either by death or by just plain spite.

Time is healing the pain somewhat, and working at it daily makes it easier too. We no longer cry all the time, we just now feel numb inside. Just the other day when a couple asked if we had any kids and grandkids, we replied in such a strange manner. It came out as if they had passed and we really did not realize that it sounded like that until later when Jerry and I were discussing it. For us, it is easier to think that we will never see them again, then to continue to hope that we will and be disappointed time after time.

It is still sad when we continue to get nasty emails from my sister and her family claiming that our grandson believes that we died and that they are now taking over our roles in his and our daughter’s lives. She stated in the emails that she is now my daughter’s mother and is the only grandmother Austin will ever need. She sends us photos of them together and states how happy he is. When we look at those photos, we see the sadness in his eyes but we also hardly recognize him, after all, it has been over 5 years now and he has grown. We have been out of his life, almost as long as we were in his life.

We would also like to apologize to our readers, the many my daughter chose to contact to plead her case. We thank those who tried to help, but we now know that our relationship is beyond repair and we will never see them again. She continues to make that perfectly clear, as well as other family members.

We have finally come to terms with that, or quite possibly, we have now put on our gear for self-preservation. The pain is too deep and we finally realize that we have lost our grandson, he is no longer the 6-year-old bright, spirited little man who was so smart and who knew how much he was loved by us. The photos that are sent to us are of a sad, young man who is angry all the time because the grown ups in his life could not act like grown-ups but instead continue to keep away a loving pair of grandparents that never meant him any harm. She took away the grandparents who loved him so much and could not be replaced by substitutes as she has been doing for the past 5 years.

How do we even begin to forgive a daughter who continues to cause us so much pain? There is no way out of this, since we cannot step back into time and she can never give us back these five lonely years without Austin. We try to move forward but they continue to poke into our lives through our websites. Again, if they do not like what we are writing, stop reading our blogs. We do not seek them out, we are trying just to live our lives with one another but they will not let go and they continue to send us comments and calls that are very mean spirited.