Yesterday, during meditation, I was guided to go to SSDI website and that is where the records indicated that on May 31, 2006 another one of my brothers passed away. Don’t ask me how because I don’t know. We had not spoke since way before my youngest brother passed away a few years ago. He and I never had much to say to one another and he was estranged from the entire family except mom periodically while she was alive. He and my sister also had some major blows with one another that never made a reunion very pleasant for the Godlaski’s.
My last memory of him was of course, a Godlaski scene. He came to visit with my brother and things got nasty as it usually did when our family got together. Anyway, there was yelling, screaming, name-calling and just plain rudeness but thankfully no blows. I attempted several times after that to contact him to apologize for my part in it all and he would not accept any of my communications, another Godlaski trait, never forgive, revenge and hold a grudge for as long as possible.
The following year when my mom was in Hospice we contacted him so he could speak to her, which was something, she needed and very much wanted. After my mom passed away things just got worse, which is unimaginable but they did, so this time I stepped away from all the chaos.
Unfortunately, the Godlaski trait continued to follow the same pattern between my daughter and myself and even though I have tried to overcome it, it lives strong within my daughter. She still refuses to forgive me and has blown it all so far out of proportion that all I can do is pray that time will heal her pain before it is too late, and we can reunite. Until that day comes, I will just have to continue on my own journey and not fall into the old patterns ever again.
My thoughts yesterday were scattered because of all the unfinished business between my brother and myself, I didn‘t think I would but I cried. I hoped that he was not alone, that he didn’t have too much pain and he was able to make peace with himself and others before the end. I thought about what family really stands for, all the while knowing ours was not even close to the true meaning of family and never will be. I was sad for the thoughts that when my father and mother began this journey, most likely they were optimistic for all of us. Shock was what I felt when I viewed a census that was done on our surname; using records of all sorts, they determined the life expectancy for all Godlaski’s was 41. I also felt with a little irony that there is now only one person alive that is my total blood relation, that has the same mother and father, that has been in my life since birth and that is my sister. Unfortunately, she is holding on with all she has with the Godlaski vengeance and directing this vendetta towards me with every ounce of energy she has and I am not sure she will ever be able to just let it go as I have.
Another thought, which came to mind, was for as long as I can remember, I can hear my mother wishing that all of her children would be in the same room at the same time without fighting. I cried when I realized, she never got her wish and never will.