Don’t Think I Can Do This

It’s been 18+ years since I was “Mom” or “Nana” and I’m not sure I can go back to those roles. I closed myself off, I shut down because the pain was excruciating. After being told that I was dead to them, I chose many years ago to just go with that and just say we had no family, it was easier. Not only did I close the door, I also locked and bolted it shut!

The last I had heard from any family member was YEARS ago that I had since blocked their messages due to the ugliness they were spewing. Things like I was no longer Austin’s Nana and that he was happier without me, and they had told him we were dead. They were filled with mean and venimonious comments that I just could not handle any longer, so we just decided to move forward without anymore contact because every attempt that I took to stop the madness was met with pure evilness.

Recently, my daughter, who now calls me Kim began texting me periodically and it has been difficult, not knowing exactly how to respond without causing friction. I was afraid to say anything or careful not to talk about certain things because of the fear that all that anger and ugliness would return and then the communication would abruptly stop…AGAIN! Each call which was months in between at times was stressful, not knowing exactly what was expected of me. So, what I did was not let my guard down, not ask questions about certain things, like my grandson and just stayed shutdown and treated her as if she was just a distant acquaintance. We even met up once last year and it was strange, again having so many questions but so afraid of rocking the boat and she would once again stop communicating with me. I was confused about her intentions, unable to trust her, and so afraid to hope.

During this time period, I anticipated every call to be the last, there were so many tears, heartbreak and hoping I hadn’t said the wrong things after these calls, I was mostly confused not knowing how far I could go to get some answers from her. What I did next is what I do best, I went into protection mode, I stayed very neutral. I was protecting myself in preparation of her once again rejecting me and shutting down all communications. But instead, what happened was nothing I could have ever imagined.

This time the casual texting went in a totally different direction. She asked if she could call me, and I said sure. I wasn’t prepared and no amount of self protection could prevent the pain in my heart I felt when she shared the news about my grandson, Austin.

The last time I seen or even spoke to him, he was still in my mind and heart as my 6-year-old grandson riding his bicycle that I could kiss away his booboos, not this 24-year-old man that had been in a motorcycle accident a few months prior and was seriously hurt. He was alive, I keep telling myself this over and over until the shock wears off. She informed me that months of surgeries to repair his body unfortunately were not totally successful in all areas. After careful consideration, they made the decision to go forward to amputate his leg a few inches below the knee. I won’t go into deep detail about just how bad it was, but it sounded as if this decision was not made in haste. We were not part of the any conversations for the prior months since the accident, so this was hitting us all at once.

The amputation is just the beginning of a long journey for this 24-year-old man, and I don’t know what to do and how to help him through this, I’m lost, I’m confused. I totally understand that my grandson didn’t want me to come see him before the surgery, even though he said he was open to communication at a later time. It hurts so bad and it is in those moments I realize I am not his Nana, that role was lost too many years ago and I can’t be Kim in his life.

I’m trying not to once again, go into self protection mode, shutting down so not to feel the heartache. I’m not sure if because of not being in their lives for so long and us now being total strangers if during this emotional time in their lives if I would be any help at all. I cringe every time my daughter calls me Kim, what is my grandson going to call me? Not sure if it’s just self preservation or what, but I don’t think I can do any good for him or her.

This is not a rash decision I’ve made in haste, it has been on my mind for 18 years, and with each passing year it became more apparent to me that this would be my end result the more years that passed.

We can’t undo the past and for me there is no starting over from scratch. That ship done sailed. I don’t even recognize either one of them, I too have changed, after all, 18 years is a lifetime. I am no longer the person they need in their lives, that is very apparent and totally understandable, and I just can’t be an acquaintance to either one of them, especially my grandson.

Right now, he needs somebody that knows him well, he needs someone that can help him through this process to make him stronger, to help him to understand how to adjust to his new way of living his life. That person is no longer me; I do not know this young man; he is a total stranger to me.

I’m lost and confused, and I just don’t think I can do this!